Goodbye for now.
I am from this moment ceasing use of this Tumblr account for an undecided amount of time; weeks, months, years, perhaps never again.
I did not make this decision alone, my wonderful flatmates and I discussed whether it is the best for me to be using this site as an outlet during my recovery from self harm and an eating disorder, and so I am now going to leave this account here, but I will not use it anymore. One day it will be a place to visit once I have recovered to see how far I came, but for now it is a place where one thing is encouragement, and the next it is a new trigger.
I need to be verbally honest and be able to talk to those in my life who care the most for me (particularly the flatmates that I so love), and removing myself from this is the best way.
So for now, it is goodbye. For those of you who I have added on facebook, keep in touch that way yeah? And if any of you wish to remain in contact with me, flick me an email: alanna.josie@hotmail.com - I wish you all the best, and remember, recovery is going to be worth every downfall and relapse. Just don’t give up. And always listen to the advice handed to you by the ones that know you best, and the words of God.
Praying for you all,
Alanna.
x
saintsdiehard-deactivated201105 asked: thanks. I don;t know where else to turn right now, because Jodie's gone and sarah's gone, but I need to turn somewhere, and get help somehow. I want to live, and this isn't living. And I won't survive much longer like this<3
I'm here for you, whenever you need it.love, hugs, warmfuzzies<3<3
You can survive babe. I believe it.
Thank you for the warm fuzzies :) makes me feel better x
saintsdiehard-deactivated201105 asked: I walking into my bosses office tomorrow and showing her my arms and my tumblr.
that's how it's doing with me:p
Holy crap woman. SO PROUD of you!! You are amazing, and such an inspiration! I wish you the best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers!
wordsbecomeknives asked: Hey! You should've said something if you were feeling bad at church yesterday! You can always talk to me and you're really brave for posting that on Tumblr! Hope you're having a better day today and classes went well :). xx
Mmm, I was scared I would trigger you. But I know that I can talk to you about it. Not feeling much better today, although I am seriously regretting the self harm - I want to wear shorter sleeves… but now I cant. Sigh.
x
kimberlyfightsback-deactivated2 asked: I hope so, love.
I am so sorry you're having a hard time resisting those urges. It's not fair. but unfortunately it is part of recovery. So just remember that. Although things seem so hard and hopeless, relapse is not the end of recovery. Not at all. My therapist says it's sort of like your eating disorder questioning you. Asking "is this really what you want?" "do you really want to get rid of me?" And you have to tell it YES and fight off every reason that keeps you holding on.<3
I actually find this quite motivating. Thank you. I really hope that you are doing okay, another day you have conquered - I am ridiculously proud of you right now.
You inspire me to keep fighting on.
x
saintsdiehard-deactivated201105 asked: I feel you. No, like I really do. My all time low wasn't at church, but at work, hearing my kids yelling outside. It's a terrible feeling.
I know you don't want to talk, and I get that too. It's really hard to talk when all you want to do is hurt yourself, to shut up the hurt inside. But remember this:relapse happens. It'ssomething like 7 times of an official relapse before 80% of the population who suffer from an addiction get better. You ARE beautiful. You deserve to smile, and enjoy yourself, and sing in a church choir, and all that jazz. You just need to get back to the point where you see it too.
I know you don't want to talk, that's okay. Just let me know if you need ANYTHING. My facebook is connected to my phone, so sending me a message on there, any time of day, equals automatic answer.
It’s so depressing that we can sink to these lows… I’m still struggling through the day, but I have my course tonight where I will try being honest about it - right now though, I just want to stay in my room and never leave.
Thanks so much for the support, I am forever grateful for people to relate to, even though it is sad that there are people that I can.
How are you going?
x
I reached an all time low tonight…
Trigger warning.
—-
I took something with me to church, and as soon as I arrived there I headed straight to the bathroom and hurt myself. At church. What the hell is wrong with me?
I am finding it hard to keep the strength to refrain from relapse. So damn hard.
I am no longer safe from myself.
And I am terrified even at admitting to this on here… One, because one of my flatmates is bound to see this, and I don’t know if I can handle talking about why I want to relapse… I am over talking; and two, I really don’t want to trigger anyone. So I really do apologize if I have…
What I feel like right now.
(Source: dyke-recovery)
Reblogged from saintsdiehard-deactivated201105 with 22 notes
lsdylann asked: here's some procrastination <3:
what do you wanna be when you grow up?
what's your favorite book?
film?
what are your hobbies in your spare time?
Yay for procrastination! :)
-I want to be an astronaut when I grow up/if I grow up. In all honesty. But I know that this is unrealistic, so I think I want to be a person completely devoted to God, with a loving husband and four kids (four because I think one would get spoilt, two would fight all the time, three would have a middle kid who is confused, and four kids because there will be enough kiddies to amuse themselves haha), and to be happy. Many people will tell you that this is the goal that is unreachable, but I firmly believe it will happen.
My favourite book? Hmm… possibly the ‘Poisonwood Bible”, I have read it a few times, and I love it. And of course, the Harry Potter series :D
Film? Ahhh… I have a few, like Moulin Rouge, Walk the Line, Bright Star and Girl, Interrupted. They are movies I can and do watch over and over.
My hobbies include: Tap dancing, crafts (I make mini stuffed owls haha), sewing, drawing, playing monopoly deal with my flatmates whilst blasting Maroon 5’s album ‘Hands All Over”, writing to my pen pals, wishing I could travel to see India/Ukraine/Chernobyl/Venice and making things like typed notes etc for the people I love in my life. Oh yeah, and Tumblr :P
What about you babe?
lsdylann asked: why are you so gorgeous???
<333
Because of your perception of me? Haha awww thank you. You too are pretty damn awe-inducing. xx
kimberlyfightsback-deactivated2 asked: You're too sweet, love. Are you feeling better?
Yeah I am feeling much better this morning (as I suspected I would). But I am still trying to work up to eating something today. But I can’t be bothered with being hungry today I don’t think. Haha. How are you holding up sweetie? You have made it through the first day, you are so amazing. Seriously, you can do this. x
perfectfrailty-deactivated20111 asked: awh thanks girl! i wanted to be sure to follow you because your blog is very insightful and inspiring :) im doing pretty well- i have two weeks left of my sophomore year at nursing school. so almost summer! but i am being referred to an eating disorder therapist once im home so im a little on-edge because there's the possibility that i may need to go to some sort of treatment which scares me. so i guess in some aspects im struggling but also doing okay. hard to explain! i hope things are going well with you (i've been so out of the loop since i deleted my other tumblr, i'll have to update myself tonight)
Aww thanks :) Yay for summer (for you)! Haha I am currently trying to surround myself with blankets to keep my body temp up - NZ is starting to really feel the cold hitting… How many years do you have at your nursing school? I have many friends here who are studying nursing at university.
Aw hunny, I am sure that it will all be fine, and if you do end up going to some treatment, just know that it will be for the best. You should mentally prepare yourself, so that before you do (if you do), you are already heading towards the correct mindset of recovery. So that you begin to really push towards the hope and the WANT to get better. Because freedom is going to be such a relief. You will be able to live happy, away from the plaguing thoughts.
Things have been a bit difficult lately for me, but I am going to the 5th night out of 6 of this course I have started, called New Id. So it should set me back on track a bit I hope.
x
